


Blindfolded in the Louvre

by honeymilks



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, College AU, Depression, Descriptions of depression, Jisung is a sad boy, Jisung is soft, Lee Felix - Freeform, M/M, Please be safe, felix just loves him, han jisung - Freeform, i wrote this to cope with my depressive episodes, jilix, jilix college au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:06:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23943613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeymilks/pseuds/honeymilks
Summary: Jisung gets sad, like really sad. He goes to class (if he makes himself), goes to his dorm, and goes to sleep. And he sleeps, a lot. His friends know this, but nobody knows how to help- he rarely answers his phone like this. That is, nobody except Felix. And Felix hates to see Jisung sad.AKA Jisung is a soft boy that gets sad sometimes and Felix just wants to love him.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han & Lee Felix, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Felix
Comments: 2
Kudos: 113





	Blindfolded in the Louvre

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: If you are easily triggered by descriptions or mentions of depression/depressive feelings, please do not read this or please take caution if you choose to continue. This fic was meant to be a coping mechanism for me; I am in no way trying to romanticize depression or mental illness. Please take care of yourselves and reach out to your loved ones.

Jisung’s body was aching. The floor seemed to sway under his feet, his head filled with cotton. His close friends knew something was wrong the moment they saw him, they know his forced smile. It never reaches the corner of his eyes, they looked dull. The normal brightness from energy he was known for: absent. He went through his classes, his hand never raising. Words didn’t come out of his mouth, they felt trapped at the point right before the back of your tongue. His professors noticed, wondering what the blank stare on the boys’ face meant. It was out of character, they all called him up to them at the end up class. 

_ What’s going on, Jisung? Is everything alright? _

_ Yes, I’m just tired.  _

_ Okay, well, if you need someone to talk to, I’m always here. _

_ Thank you Professor, I appreciate that. _

Four professors and the dance team captain Minho, his best friend. He was tired, he didn’t want to explain. He could barely move today, how was he supposed to analyze literature and dance properly? His feet dragged on the way back to his dorm, thank god he lived in a single. He could be alone in one. He laid down and looked at the time: 8:25 PM. He decided right then that he wasn’t leaving his dorm until the day after tomorrow.

He didn’t leave his dorm, he stayed there in bed all day. Thanking past Jisung for putting snacks in the drawers next to his bed. He laid there and didn’t move, lights off, music playing. He wrote some song lyrics, but thinking about anything felt like running a marathon. He decided to sleep. He slept all day, he didn’t get up. Normally, it was hard to sit still- his body feeling like it was shaking constantly, his head about to explode. Yet now, he felt like nothing was there, empty. His phone was blowing up all day.

_ Hyunjin [8:25 AM]: jiiiiisssuuunnnggg you’re making me go through this 8 am by MYSELF?!!!?! _

_ Hyunjin [10:30 AM]: it sucked without u, i hope ur good, i got the notes n handouts for u bro _

_ Felix [11:01 AM]: jisungie. . . .lunch with the boys at 12? _

_ Felix [11:39 AM]: did u sleep through ur morning classes? _

_ Felix [1:30 PM]: lunch sucked without u. . .hope ur okay :( _

_ Chan [1:35 PM]: hey do u want me to bring u food or boba _

_ Jeongin [1:35 PM]: miss you hyung. . . .  _

_ Chan [1:36 PM]: sung, are u sick? do u need medication? lemme know. don’t hesitate. _

_ Changbin [4:45 PM]: It’s not like you to miss music production, are you good? _

_ Changbin [5:30 PM]: me, realizing you aren’t ridiculously late and you’re really not coming: :(((( _

_ Minho [6:02 PM]: Are you not coming to practice? Felix and Hyunjin said you weren’t answering your phone are you good? _

_ Minho [8:02 PM]: Alright so you aren’t good and you did not come to practice, I answered my own questions. _

_ Minho [8:30 PM]: I realize that sounded mean, Sorry. It wasn’t supposed to, I’m just terrible at conveying emotions over text. I’m just tired. _

_ Minho [8:37 PM]: Love you. _

Jisung knows he should feel happy his friends texted him, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t even feel guilt. He feels sad, lonely, empty. There was nothing he could do about it. He laid there staring at the wall for a long time. Thinking about tomorrow, about classes- he felt dread. Though slight relief washed over him when he looked at the time on his phone: 12:10 AM Friday, October 18. He doesn’t have classes on Friday. 

Jisung turned over even though it felt like his body was eighty-five years old, he opened the drawer. He had enough food to for all of tomorrow, thank god for jisung impulse buying snacks every time they went to the convenience store. He even had healthier food in his fridge, maybe he could get up tomorrow to get them. He felt a sense of cold wash over his body: relief. 

Jisung fell asleep around one in the morning, he slept off and on all day and he shouldn’t have been tired. Yet, his body welcomed sleep like a warm hug. He craved the absence of being awake. He loved waking up, seeing the hours waste away. 

Jisung woke up the next day, hoping it was two. If it was two, he could hold off until seven maybe, do homework, and sleep again. Then, no harm done. He would have the weekend to waste away, repeating the cycle of homework and sleep. Then, he would go to class, to practice, and forget about how he feels. Of course, nothing works out that way. 

He had slept too much the day before. He checked his phone: 7:24 AM. He groaned, he turned and tried to go back to sleep. He really did try, but even when he fell asleep- he woke up. The image of 8:36 AM seared into his mind from the bright light on his phone. 

He tried to think of something that would make him just as exhausted, something to make him sleep the day away.  _ The gym.  _ He got up slowly, pulling on exercise clothes and sneakers. His head feeling stuffed, like it was full of something he couldn’t quite place. 

The moment he stepped outside his dorm hall, he turned around and went back in. 

He opened the door to his dorm, took off his shirt, changed his pants, slipped off his shoes, and got back into bed. 

He felt sick when he went outside, his stomach churning uncomfortably. 

Sometimes there’s nothing you can do. 

His phone buzzed.

_ Felix [9:03 AM]: open ur door, before i bust it down _

_ Jisung [9:03 AM]: like you could _

_ Felix [9:04 AM]: wanna bet _

Jisung panicked, throwing on a tee shirt from his drawer. He tried to fix his hair in the mirror and when he realized he couldn’t, his stomach hurt.  _ Of course, I always look stupid when I see Felix. He probably thinks I’m the ugliest guy in the world.  _ He chose to ignore any more invading thoughts and padded slowly to the door, opening it. 

Felix was standing there in sweatpants, a hoodie, and a beanie, holding two coffee drinks. Of course, he had to look cute, even when he tries to look bummy. Jisung’s stomach did a little flip. Both coffees looked a light milky color. Felix handed Jisung one and before he could protest, “I know you don’t like bitter coffee, it’s a vanilla latte. Chill. And not gonna lie, you look cuter in my shirt than me.” Jisung looked down at himself and realized he threw on Felix’s shirt that he borrowed one time. It was worn enough to be soft and Jisung found the texture very comforting. . .as well as the fact that the cutest boy on earth let him borrow it.

Jisung was thankful he didn’t have to speak or explain how much he hated bitter coffee. He loved the caffeine rush and the coffee smell, but espresso shots and plain coffee were too jolting of a taste on his tongue. Plus, it made his anxiety shakes even worse. He put his coffee down and quickly made his bed, throwing away all the food wrappers next to it- trying to hide them from Felix. He realized the room was tidy, except directly next to his bed. Felix knew him well enough to know the room is only clean on monday, because that’s the day he cleans. Throughout the week areas get cluttered and messy as he uses them. Already knowing this, it wasn’t hard for Felix to make the inference that Jisung didn’t leave his bed.

Felix hugged Jisung from behind, while he was making his bed. He tensed up, the presence of Felix’s entire body pressed up against his and his arms around his waist was all too distracting. “I know you’re feeling bad right now and I don’t know why, but I do know you like vanilla lattes, cuddling, and snacks. So I brought you one and I can cuddle and then, maybe if you’re okay with it, we can go get ramen in our pajamas. If you’re not, that’s okay too. I can get chinese takeout from the corner and bring it back. I just am really sad without you. Well, I’m more sad knowing you’re sad, but being without you sucks too.”

Jisung was frozen in place. Felix says things that reach into his heart and hold it everytime. His stomach doing backflips, his head feeling fuzzy, and his heart feeling warm. He tried to speak, but it came out raspy and low. He hadn’t spoke in two days, “That’s cool. We’ll see about the food.” He sounded different and mentally berated himself, even though it wasn’t his fault. Before he could apologize, Felix squeezes slightly tighter- barely noticeable. “Okay, Ji.”  _ That’s the nickname. That’s the nickname Felix uses when he feels affectionate. _

Jisung melted. He didn’t know if Felix returned his affections, but he had come to terms with that a long time ago. Two years of intense crushing on his best friend made him almost an expert at evading actions that might hint at the truth.

_ First week of school and Jisung’s roommate, Changbin, introduced him to his friend from Biology class. They had a 6:50 to 10 PM lecture together, which Jisung found absolutely revolting. But he guessed it beat his 7:40 AM biology class he had with Hyunjin. Changbin insisted that they become friends with each other’s friends so they could all have mini parties in the dorm together, whatever that meant. Sounded like a lack of sleep to Jisung. Yet, when Jisung saw Felix for the first time, he decided staying up too late in mini parties with his roommate wouldn’t be so bad. Over time, he realized he was right. He didn’t mind losing sleep to spend time with Felix. _

Jisung nodded, trying to shake off the light-headedness the boy made him feel. The floor seemed so far away, it looked almost distorted. As Jisung started falling, he realized the lightheadedness wasn’t because of Felix. The only times Jisung has gotten up is to use the bathroom. “Jisung! Are you okay? Have you eaten?” Jisung was trying to focus on the questions rather than Felix’s arms around his waist holding him up. “I, uh. . .yeah, sounds good.” Jisung wanted to slap himself for sounding so stupid.

“What have you eaten? Did you drink water?” Felix’s concern showed in the way he furrowed his eyebrows and talked softly. Jisung had somehow laid down on his bed, his back to the wall. Felix sitting next to him. “Yeah, I ate whatever I had.” Jisung purposely avoided the other question. “Water?” Felix prodded. He grimaced, “I forgot that it existed, I’m just not thirsty.”

Felix threw his hands up in frustration, “Dehydrated! That’s perfect for an athlete. Especially a dancer! Nice!” Sarcasm dripped off his tongue and Jisung felt his stomach fall guilty. Jisung didn’t hear how sad he was when he apologized, he barely heard anything at all. He had tunnel vision when it came to Felix. He worked so hard to never disappoint him, to always be kind, to keep him smiling. When he frustrates him, he feels nothing short of ill. He made himself sick once, because he felt so guilty after a fight with Felix; he tries hard to never upset him. That’s his best friend, and the thoughts in his head often make him sick even without the guilt.

But he did.

“Wait, Jisung, It’s okay. Baby, it’s okay. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you,” Felix had something in his eyes that Jisung couldn’t quite place. He was too tired to. He pulled the covers up over his body and turned towards the wall. The whole interaction was just tiring. Maybe he would just sleep again, and do homework tomorrow. Or maybe do all of it on Sunday. What classes did he have Monday? Maybe he could email and miss them. When he started thinking about skipping Tuesday, he panicked. He rolled over and held his arms out to Felix, not looking at him in fear of seeing the rejection plain on his face. 

Jisung felt the covers move and someone slide in next to him. They held him and encompassed his entire body with theirs, Felix was holding him and nothing felt better. A long sigh came out of his mouth, but felt like it coursed through his entire body. “I know, baby, I know. It’s okay, I know how it feels. The only thing I ever want is to sleep and be held, so that’s what we’ll do.” Jisung was thankful that he didn’t have to explain, Felix just _ knew _ . He always knows. 

Jisung had fallen asleep and when he woke up, it was dark and it was different in the spot where Felix had laid.  _ He left. _ He almost felt sad, until he realized someone was running their fingers through his hair. Everything seemed so groggy in his half asleep mind. He turned over and looked up, the image of Felix lit only from the street lamp light coming through the blinds behind him. Felix was looking at his phone, sat next to him. When Jisung turned over- he continued to run his fingers through his hair, but now, he smiled softly down at him. Jisung’s breath caught in his throat, his whole body feeling the impact.

“Hi,” One word from Felix only. It made Jisung smile, and chuckled a little bit under his breath in response.

“Hey, you’re still here!” Quiet and theatrical, Jisung’s voice was soft. It was always theatrical when he got excited or just when he was at rest, his voice had a way of commanding attention. Something Jisung didn’t know Felix loved.

“Of course I’m still here. I told you I missed you, Ji.” Jisung laid speechless, over-focused on his senses and the environment around him. The pillow creating soft white noise in his ear everytime he shifted, the light shining through the curtains from the lamplights placed on the sidewalks on campus, the filter from his fish tank he had in his room, the air blowing softly through the grates on the wall, Felix’s steady breathing after saying something that made Jisung so ridiculously flustered.

“Oh, well, I just, I don’t know, I’m-“ He didn’t get to apologize. He was speaking in a ramble, barely above a mumble. His mood tanked immediately once he felt guilty. Anyone could tell that from him, especially from a boy that was so animated all the time. But it took someone who really paid attention, that really loved him, to know that he was going to apologize. Felix was that someone.

“I love you, Ji. I wouldn’t leave you. . . when you’re like this.” Felix interrupts him, voice somehow stern but soft. He was equal parts loving and cold with Jisung, which never failed to make his head spin.

“Oh,” Jisung’s whole body went from hot to cold to hot again and his stomach felt like he was going to be sick.  _ Butterflies.  _ “Okay.” It sounded meek, even to him. Felix chuckled under his breath, making Jisung’s heart flip a little bit more. 

Suddenly, Felix turned his phone off and set it down. He slowly sank farther into the covers with Jisung, letting out a satisfied sigh. The body heat exuding from the two boys was enough to make them both fall asleep. Jisung was internally panicking, he went through all the different scenarios.

_ Okay don't get too close to him, he’ll freak. He doesn’t like you, Jisung, don’t be dumb. Just turn to the wall, before he gets mad and yells at you. He’ll leave, you have to turn. Oh, but what if he thinks I hate him? I wanna kiss him- Fuck, shit. No, it’s fine. Just turn, it’ll be okay.  _

Jisung forced his eyes away from the boy to the wall and it felt like someone placed him in the Louvre with a blindfold on. He had to ignore beautiful art just for the sake of doing it. Jisung stared at the wall and tried not to take up too much room, already feeling like a waste of space. He felt hands around his waist and suddenly he was pulled back a couple of inches. His back was warmer now and there was an arm snaked around him. Felix was cuddling him and God, Jisung really hoped that he couldn’t feel how hard his heart was beating out of his chest. Time was slowing down so much that he felt like he had been sitting there in silence for ten minutes, but it was five seconds.

“I can’t let you lay by yourself when you’re this sad, Ji.” Felix’s voice was even lower than usual. “I won’t have that.” Jisung wanted to say anything, something. He wanted to tell him he loved him. He wanted to tell him that he hoped he realized what he was doing to him. He wanted to tell him that Felix is the only person that really matters to him. He wanted to tell him to kiss him. But he said nothing, except tears streamed down his cheeks. He was overwhelmed. His whole body was heating up and he wanted to laugh his emotions out of his body. He was so infatuated and ridiculously in love with Felix that this was his dream. They cuddled like friends before, but he felt something from Felix that he had only felt one other time before.

_ The first time was once when Jisung got into a fight. He knew how to throw punches, he knew how to protect himself. But honestly, he let his anger get the best of him and he was not in the most positive state of mind to get into a fight. He almost wanted to get the shit beat out of him. He wanted his hands to hurt from punches, he wanted to feel something with enough energy to forget all his anger. But he had so much anger. The boy in front of him was a little bigger than him, and that made all the difference. He laughed, Jisung laughed through the whole fight. He left sore, bruised, bloody, and tired. But at least he won. The boy was making comments that were disrespectful, and in Jisung’s mind- you don’t say things in public if you aren’t expecting a response.  _

_ But Felix found out. He found out about the fight, found out why, found out who did it, and he found Jisung. Jisung was laying in bed, in pain, trying to pretend he wasn’t aching all over. It had recently became a habit of his to leave his dorm door propped open because of his friends and in this case, it served as an invitation for a very angry boy to come in.  _

_ Jisung heard stomping and a bang. Sitting up quckly, his stomach burned and he yelped in pain. The room turned on it’s side, but he could make out a very angry Felix. His hair was dark brown still, before he started his obsession with dyed hair.  _

_ “What the fuck, Jisung?” Felix didn’t shout at people in English, usually. English was his affectionate language, his comfort language, his ranting language. If he was mad, he ranted in Korean especially with Jisung since it was his most comfortable language. But this time, Felix came in with nothing but latin based words streaming out his mouth and Jisung barely got any of it. “You got into a fight? With the kid from the Soccer team, are you joking? Jisung he weighs 200 pounds easily, why would you start a fight with someone so much bigger than you? I thought you were going to handle your anger now. God, you fucking idiot. You’re going to be the death of me, you know? I didn’t sign up for my heart to break everytime I hear you were limping across the quad to the dorms covered in cuts and bruises and knuckles fucking bleeding, Jisung.”  _

_ Jisung just looked at Felix confused, desperately trying to understand what he was saying. He understood most English, he was mostly fluent, but Felix’s Australian accent becomes much heavier when he’s angry and on top of that he was talking as fast as humanly possible. Jisung said the only thing he could think of. _

_ “I’m sorry, Fel.” Felix’s eyes showed something that Jisung had never seen before. His eyes looked so much bigger, like the whole galaxy could suddenly fit inside of it- with room to spare. His body visibly relaxed, his posture went from stiff to slouched. He laughed under his breath and smiled. The smile Jisung loved so much.  _

_ “God, you really are something, Jisung. You’re going to be the death of me.” Felix hugged Jisung, softly. Careful not to touch any visible wounds, and it felt like something was radiating off of him. It was like a warmth, and Jisung couldn’t exactly place it. It made his body automatically relax. He felt like nothing else mattered. In that moment, it was just Jisung and Felix. _

And at this moment, it was just Jisung and Felix. Something inside of Jisung’s chest began to bubble, it hurt to keep it in. He hoped he wasn’t going to do anything stupid, but this is Jisung and he knows himself better than anyone and he definitely knew exactly where this was going. He was trying to hold it back, but the moment he thought it- it came out of his mouth.

“God, I love you so much.” 

It was a simple phrase, something they had said to each other multiple times. But Felix and Jisung both knew this time was different. It came out of the boy’s mouth so desperately, so confident. When he was done, Felix felt his whole body collapse from the pressure. He fell into Felix and the bed, deeper than before. Suddenly feeling like the most vulnerable item in the whole universe to Felix, and he would not break this fragile piece of art. Felix moved so he was looking down on Jisung from next to him, and Jisung twisted himself to see Felix better. 

Felix looked nervous, and Jisung hoped he knew that the distance between them was the most nerve-wracking thing he had ever had to do. He looked like he was contemplating doing something, but before Jisung could ask him to say something. He felt the softest pair of lips on his own that he had ever felt in his life. No kiss Jisung had ever had, felt like this. It was like heaven, he was lightheaded. Floating on air, his stomach did backflips. His body instinctively did the work that his mind couldn’t comprehend. He pulled Felix even closer to him until they were almost on top of each other, he savored the kiss he got and it wasn’t until halfway through that he realized: Felix just kissed him. He pulled away, and immediately regretted it after seeing Felix look scared.

“I’m sorry, Ji. I should have asked.”

Jisung sat there confused. Does he not know that was the best kiss of his whole life? That he waited so long for that kiss? How that kiss was everything he’s wanted for so long? That he loves him more than anything? He didn’t, he had no idea how absolutely whipped Jisung is for the boy in front of him. The boy that looked more nervous than he had ever seen him: eyebrows furrowed, lips pursed, eyes watering. 

“God, no. Felix, you’re everything I’ve ever wanted.” 

Simple words that spoke so much; that explained so many of the longing gazes and the stares from afar. Glances at lips and blushing cheeks. Affectionate compliments and insistent hand holding. Memorized coffee orders and puppy dog eyes. Yelling over health and secret midnight cuddles. And in that moment, Jisung and Felix both knew that after those words, they both smiled wider than they ever had in their lives. Then, Jisung felt it. He was no longer blindfolded in the louvre, and Felix was the most beautiful piece of art that he had ever seen.


End file.
